As far as I can tell (or maybe as far as my therapist tells me), a lot of my anxiety stems from wanting to please absolutely everyone. I hate letting anyone down, but somehow that never includes myself. I am constantly disappointing myself with my lack of ambition, my laziness, and my bad attitude. It’s hard to stand up for myself sometimes because I will have to directly oppose someone else’s ideas and thoughts.
My brain always tells me that I’m a horrible person, so when anyone tries to tell me something that I’ve done wrong, I completely break down because they’re affirming all the horrible things I already think about myself. And because crying is weak (it’s not, I just sometimes think it is), I feel ashamed for my feelings and repress them even further.
It’s always funny, because I always express to my family that I hate other people and hate chit chat and small talk, and hate dealing with other people’s problems, but the reason I think I hate it, is because it makes me anxious. And let me tell you, this makes working in retail a bitch. What adds to this fun life I live, is being a notorious procrastinator.
My brain is at war because a) I need to do the thing because if I don’t, people will be mad at me and b) I don’t want to do the thing, I’d much rather be doing something else, plus I have time to do it later, which results in c) juggling 17 different projects at one time because past me was doing something more enjoyable and now one of the 17 balls is going to drop and someone will be mad at me because of it.
Why can’t I just focus on pleasing myself?
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