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Writer's pictureThe Exhausted Pessimist

Wax on, Wax off?

Updated: Oct 29, 2021

This post could be viewed as a PSA, so any readers please learn from my experience.


You know when you're young and the mysteries of adulthood seem to pull you in and you want to experience everything? I think I was 9 or 10 the first time I tried to shave my legs. Re-enacting a routine I had seen my mom do dozens of times. It almost felt taboo. I knew it was a razor, I knew it was sharp and no matter how careful I thought I was, I still ended up cutting myself (even 16 years later, I still wind up with tiny cuts along my knees). I did feel ashamed that I had used her razor without asking and told her that I knocked it off the shelf into the tub and that's how I cut myself...but just know, moms see past the lies.


Now, when I was 22 some of those mysteries hadn't faded. I had yet to be kissed, yet to date, yet to just about anything, and in my brain, I knew that society has told women to shave certain places on their bodies. I had just started to become confident enough in my larger-than-some body to wear a bikini to the beach, but was self-conscious of the hairs that seemed to escape the confines of the spandex fabric around my upper thighs.


Because I'm absolutely brilliant, I thought I'd buy an at home wax kit. How bad could it be.


The answer is real bad!


I shut the bathroom door, put the wax pellets in the warmer and disrobed. Tossed the box and instructions in the trash, wax on, wax off - shouldn't be hard. When the pot of wax resembled congealed goo, I picked up the wooden stick, took a deep breath and started slathering the mixture on. As it started to harden, I thought, something doesn't feel right.


But I was in it now. I grabbed an uplifted end of the wax and yanked. Eyes smarting, I looked at a tiny piece of wax, embedded with many hairs and pieces of skin. That's not right.


I pulled the instructions out and to my surprise and horror, you're supposed to trim the bush back before trying to uproot the whole jungle. I knew I wouldn't be able to finish the job the way I had intended, so I turned the bath as hot as I could bear it and submerged myself in an effort to re-melt the hardened wax that had made a shell against my nether regions.


That did not work.


Option two was getting a pair of scissors and hacking the pieces off bit by bit. (To my sister and roommate, I did not return these scissors to the kitchen but purchased a new set, so be at ease). This option did help with the majority of the wax, but it is impossible to get 100% of the wax out of your hair. So for a few weeks after that I had to waddle like a penguin because anytime I moved my legs it shifted a bit of wax and tugged on those hairs.


So I guess in the end it did help with my bikini line, but for the love of God, please read the instructions!

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